Dear Post-Baby Body,
I need to start by thanking you deeply, from the very bottom of my heart. I’m thankful for what you have done for us – the limits you pushed yourself to, the impossible tasks you have performed without so much as a conscious prompt from me. You were a warm, safe and comfortable vessel and home for my growing baby. We had yet to make our decision, but you had made yours – I trusted you, and you knew what you were doing, even from the very beginning when I did not.
The shock of our unexpected circumstance shook me to the core, shaking my very foundations and throwing everything I ever knew into the air. But you were accepting and ready and you morphed and changed – the one constant in my fleeting flurry of emotions.
When the time came, you did all you could to prepare yourself. My mind was swimming but amongst all the chaos I knew that you ultimately understood what was needed of you. Aching to meet my new baby I was harsh on you by trying to trick you into giving him up when you weren’t prepared; you were only trying to keep him safe until he was ready for me, for us, but medical intervention was asked for.
The induction must have shocked you, and while with every surge that ripped through us you begrudgingly begun your final task, you didn’t want to let go of him just yet. Soon it was too late, the struggle between my mind, the drugs and what you wanted became too much and he became distressed. You had failed. The medical intervention neither of us had prepared for became the inevitable, despite it all, you were still there to help me through.
The recovery was difficult on us both, I cursed you for not being able to perform your task. Deep down I knew it was my fault, my impatience has always been my downfall. But I began to resent you; the pain you had caused, the way you looked now, the violent, purple scar that was now slashed across my front. I hated you. Couldn’t look at you. DESPISED YOU.
People told me not to be so impatient, that I’d not long had the baby and that you’d come back to me eventually over time. But it was hard to accept and I continued to hate you more and in turn, to hate myself. For this, I am deeply sorry. You quickly went from my best friend to my worst enemy, though all you really needed was time.
You’re not perfect, though really you never were. Not to me anyway. Things have changed and I will learn to love you as I once did, though we both know it will take time. Now some time has passed, I can admire what you have done and continue to be grateful to you every day as I watch my little boy learn and grow. It was hard on us both, but we did it. Together.