Imagine that on around November 9, I just climbed up Petty Mountain and set up camp. I was perched up there like a cartoon guru of old.
These articles started coming about how the Democrats needed to understand the poor coal country people. And the good liberals on the ground were like, “Let me understand you!” But up on Petty Mountain, I was like, “Fuck you, Cletus!”
Then it was all “Well, maybe the Democrats should have better explained their jobs plan,” and the nice liberals on the ground were like “Well, it’s a complicated issue.”
And I called attention to myself with my flugelhorn and went “Maybe if they could listen to three sentences in a fucking row without drifting off into a daydream about Totino’s pizza rolls!”
And then they were like “The Democrats need to stop playing identity politics,” and the thoughtful liberals down below answered, “Certainly it seems as though we haven’t helped people understand these issues.” And I threw an apple into the crowd from above yelling “What you call identity politics, I call civil rights, you assholes!”
And it snowed on Petty Mountain, and from the world there came the news that we should be empathetic, because the people who voted for him would suffer the most from losing their health care and having their schools undermined. And the sweet liberals were like, “It’s true, it’s true. I don’t wish them ill.” And I yodeled, “I hope they get testicle-liddle-liddle cancer-a-lady-whooo.”
And it was cold on Petty Mountain, and I thought about coming down and joining the gentle liberals, who are the people from whence I came. And then there were six articles about how we should stop worrying about facts, because the other side doesn’t care about facts, doesn’t believe in facts, and will never be swayed by facts. So the thoughtful liberals suggested saying things like “I am just worried that…” and “it makes me fearful to think that…” And from ten steps down the trail, I turned my ass around, went right back to the top, and jumped up and down, yelling, “They don’t BELIEVE in FACTS?!?! How the FUCK do you not BELIEVE in FACTS? And we’re expected to interact with these douchecanoes as though they are humans worthy of having discussions with???”
So anyway, I will probably be reasonable someday, but that day is not today. Today, I am going to rely on the rest of the nice people to figure out what kind of voodoo we need to do to convince these blockheads that the world is on fire and we should probably do something about it. There are lots of them. I am staying on my mountain. If anyone wants to join me, there is trail mix, and it is the kind with chocolate chips.